Posted 2:00 PM by Paul
Have McDonalds Always Been This Bad?

Today the kids asked me if we could go to McDonalds after swimming. "No chance!" I replied. The kids were not impressed. They wanted to know why I was so against Ronald and his pal the Hamburglar.

"Because their food does not taste of anything" was my answer. Anyone expecting to read a diatribe about cruelty to animals, the destruction of the enviroment or worker exploitation will be disapointed. My opposition to them is entirely on culinary and not on ethical grounds. I just just don't like their food. The exception to this is the Sausage Egg McMuffin and the hash browns which I always think has an appealing back taste of cod. After 10.30 a.m. you will not catch me hanging out with Ronald and the guys.

But was it always like this? It could just be the onset of middle age, but I seem to remember that when I first sampled a Big Mac in 1976 it tasted like a hamburger. You looked forward to going to McDonalds because it seemed like a piece of Americana transported as if my magic to suburban London. Eating at McDonalds was a treat and, strange as this might seem to an American, quite exotic. It awakened dreams of an optimistic America - land of large portions and friendly staff. To the English eating public it all seemed a refreshing change. The uniformed staff said hello and children were not only tolerated but actively welcomed. This was in stark contrast to English restaurants of the time where children we treated like an affliction rather than with affection. You would get a better reception from the staff if you arrived with an incontinent hunting dog than with a sleeping two year old child in a buggy.

There were of course the classic English transport cafes, often known with good reason as "The Greasy Spoon". A good place on a Saturday morning to get over a Friday night hangover with a plate of bacon, eggs, sausage, tomatoes and fried bread, but not a place for the family. Unless of course you had a gas mask. There were two sections to these cafes. One where smoking was allowed and the other where it was compulsory. McDonalds was a breath of fresh air.

Of course as an English Lefty I went through the obligatory phase of railing against the Golden Arches as "an example of American cultural imperialism ....yah de yah de yah" But the woman who later became my wife destroyed my argument by the simple application of intelligence. She reminded me that pre-McDonalds all we had in the UK were Wimpy Bars, an ersatz chain of dreary diners where waitresses served up lukewarm meals including one called the "Bender Grill" which always made us snigger. Americans not familiar with UK slang should note that "Bender" is a derogatory term for homosexual this side of the Atlantic. My wife also wisely pointed out that one reason that McDonalds did so well was that English customer care was so very bad. Complain in McDonalds and you would get a fresh burger and a balloon. Complain in an English resutauant and you would be threatened with arrest. I even tried the argument familar to all American Liberal Boulevardiers "McDonalds on the Champs D'Elysess. That is too much !!!!". My wife replied that this was welcome addition to the street scene, as it meant that the price of a cup of coffee had now fallen by 400% in Paris, unless of course I had turned into a right-wing snob over night and wanted to save Paris for the super-rich. A few years later we took my mother to the City of Light for her 70th birthday. Where did we take her to use the bathroom and grab a warming cup of coffee and a donut after seeing the Arc De Triomphe ? McDonalds of course. I was wrong. Heather was right.

Some years later I became a Labour councillor in West London and did some research on low wages. I confidently expected McDonalds to come out bottom of the league on the local high street. It came out half way. They paid above the level of what later became the minimum wage. A chain of pseudo French restaurants owned by the an English management team actually paid their waiters £12 plus a meal for an 8 and a half hour shift - less than half McDonalds wage levels. I was told they could earn more because of tips, but on a wet Tuesday in February there would be no tips because there were no customers. So McDonalds stayed firmly off my list of US bad guys.

But now they seem to be in trouble. They have posted their first loss in the UK and restaurants are closing around the world partly due to an anti-American back lash, and partly because other companies are offering us tastier fast food. So what should they do now? They have tried the go-local route with special McDishes designed to fit in with local culture and custom. But that does not really cut any ice, because their brand is de-valued due to association with all the negative aspects of America. They cannot shake that off by offering up a Halal Lamb McSomosa. Nope, it's time to return unapologetically to their roots. Re-style the entire global enterprise as an authentic 1950s American diner selling real meat and fresh produce. Throw away the powdered egg substitute and use stuff that has recently come out of a chickens rear end.

But how to avoid the negative connotations of America - now that George W is massing his armies in the Gulf? Easy. Use images of all the great progressive creative Americans in company marketing materials and products. I can see it now:

The FDR New Deal Steak Sandwich
The JFK Boston Breakfast Burger
The Warhol Banana Milk Shake
The Jackson Pollack Double Strength Filter Coffee - for getting over the hangover
The Woody Guthry Cheese Omlette.
The Dr. Martin Luther King Chicken Dinner
The Joe Hill "Don't Get Mad Get Organised" Family Dinner. 2 kids and 2 adults eat for $30.
The Ramones Punk Rock Fast Burger - Served to you hot inside 1-2-3-4 minutes or your money back
The J.K Galbraith Economy Lunch
The Jimi Hendrix Purple Haze Ice Cream Experience

Oh and get a liquor license.

Eat well.